Is Swinging (Real Swinging) for You?

Courtesy of our friends at Clubmeet4more in Chicago
Swinging Info.. what is it (Courtesy of Clubmeet4more)

In the context of swinging, “couples” need not be married. They should, however, have at least a little history together and familiarity with each others’ emotional needs, and be comfortable approaching others as a “couple.” The general rule of thumb is that swinging works best when couples view swinging as an enhancement to their existing sexual relationship, rather than as a replacement for a failing one. As one would expect, good communication is critical in any attempt at swinging as a couple. There are many, many different forms that swinging may take, and whichever one you choose is fine as long as you and your partner are clear about what you are doing and why. Sex has the potential to be an emotionally charged area, and the pleasures that may be found in swinging can generally be reached only when both partners are sensitive to each others’ needs, and put their partner’s comfort first. From a more pragmatic point of view, there will always be another party, another personal ad, another dance, another convention; there may not be another chance to salvage an exploration into swinging if one partner becomes overwhelmed in “the garden of delights” and forgets to treat his or her primary partner with sensitivity and respect. It’s important to keep in mind that swinging is primarily a SOCIAL activity.

The ordinary social customs of meeting people and initiating a conversation are really not that different than at any other type of social gathering, and the process by which acquaintances become close friends is not that different either. The key social traits that tend to be appreciated in the swinging community are responsibility, friendliness, flirtatiousness, open-mindedness, and most importantly stability with regard to one’s primary relationship. As is the case with almost all human social endeavors, if you already know people in a particular community you’ll probably be happier if you attend your first few events with these people so they can introduce you to others. Waiting a little while and watching how others behave is also a good idea, as it is in almost any new social situation. Common courtesy, of course, is as welcomed in the swinging community as it is in any other community; After all, we’re just human.

When we first got into the lifestyle, it was far more difficult to find.  There were classified adds in papers and online where you put secret messages for others to hopefully decipher. For African-American couples, it was damn right elusive. Finding other black swingers was far more difficult and it took us a year to find a group. When a group found you, the veteran members of the group would provide the rules and etiquette to insure that relationships and fantasies were satisfied.

Things are different now.

The internet had not yet blown up with hundreds of swinger sites. Today, most swingers are introduced to swinging at big commercial clubs, usually by emailing or calling the location. Very rarely do hosts get to know the guests or the guests even know who the actual hosts are. Screening and privacy has gone away to packed rooms filled with packs of predatory single guys, nervous couples and the uncomfortable lady.  

There are still many parties and clubs in the south, east coast and west coast that still adhere to screening couples, regulating single guys and providing safe spaces, but they are far and between in the midwest.

One of the reasons why we go through phone interviews, is because we have learned from successful clubs  like Meet4more in Chicago and our friends in Columbus at Club Zebra.

Swinging is about honesty and no one does anyone any good by hiding the truth and facts about swinging.  These clubs go through a detailed interview with every guest and they always tell clubs the truth.  That swinging is not for everyone and it may not be right for you. It’s why we adopted the same interviewing process. When we first started throwing parties, one club owner advised us that if you are not turning away at least half of the people who call you, you are not doing a good job of protecting the people who actually are looking for swinging.  No amount of money is worth ruining someone’s marriage or being an accessory to forcing a woman to do something she does not want to do.  

Remember this conversation, we decided to reiterate some of the things they told us to look for, and things we have honed and learned throughout the years so that you can determine yourself if this is something you want to explore.

Swinging, in its literal form, is couples who exchange sexual partners for intercourse. You can doctor it up, add adjectives in front of it and parade it around on real world, but at its form its an lifestyle that has existed for centuries and practiced by responsible adults. It should not be something you enter in without heavy consideration or impaired. The term swinging has been defined now as fullswap swinging to open up soft swap swinging. Two Decades ago, the term soft swap swinger did not exist.

 The  term “Soft Swapper” has become a popular phrase.  It was a term created by commercial clubs and commercial websites when they realized that there is little money that can be made by inviting only ‘Full swap” swingers. That’s not to say that everyone prior to that was full-swap. But couples labeled you as either ready to swing or not ready to swing. So a softswapper a decade ago would simply be a person not yet ready to fully engage with a couple, but were willing to test the waters.

By creating a category for a wider net of people, and creating terms that “hide” the sexual aspects of swinging, more couples feel that they too can be a swinger.

Swinging is now an umbrella term divided into fullswap swingers (couples who enjoy swapping with other partners) and softswap swingers (anything but- this includes girl/girl, oral only, same room no touching, etc).

There are also voyeurs, which are couples interested in watching other couples, and this also includes exhibitionists.

Our social club is a club for fullswap couples or those seeking fullswap play.

Below are ten reasons why WE will not extend an invitation and what you should be asking yourself before you decide to enter into the lifestyle.

1. There is a lack of communication in the relationship

Swinging is 80 percent communication and 20 percent sex. There’s a reason why we don’t have DJs and loud music at our non-club parties. It’s very difficult to get to know someone well enough to spend an intimate evening with when you are yelling over music all day.  

Communication begins at home.  It’s very disheartening to talk to a couple and realize that neither one knows the others fantasy.  Our, in most cases, their fantasy is to be with a woman. This is less of a swinger fantasy and more of the woman wanting to explore her bisexuality and a male latching on to it. If this is the only thing want from swinging, our events are not for you.

Before contacting us, talk.  If you have not had a serious sit down, turn the tv off talk with your mate about swinging, you should not be contacting a swingers club.  Swinging changes the nature of your relationship.  Nothing is worst than wasting another couples time because you two have no idea what you are both looking for.

2. Softswap is the epitome of what you are looking for

Again, our events are not for softswappers. That does not mean you must fullswap or even play at our events. What it does mean is that we see fullswap as the end goal to finding swinging and the beginning of exploring your erotic fantasies. We have met many couples at our events who started off voyeuering or soft swap Not everyone goes from learning about swinging to fullswap.  

The problem with only seeking softswap, is that it sends up red flags about the relationship. We see softswap being something younger couples and rocky marriages seek because it’s a compromise for a person in the relationship.

Rest assured, that these types of couples rarely last, and eventually the lady ends up calling us after the relationship, telling us how their guy didn’t let them do what they wanted and wanting to attend our event as a single female.

Thus please do not contact us if this is a compromise or a special birthday treat. The lifestyle is a serious venture for a couple or single female.

3. You are only interested in watching

See above and add this.  Imagine it’s a special night for you and yours. The mood is set, it’s about to go down.  And in walks 8 people who cheer, clap and egg you on.  Welcome to the modern day swinger club.  80% voyuers, 20% swingers. Nothing is worse than than talking up a couple for 2 hours and realize they only came to do just that, look at you and talk. That is not to say there is loads of voeuering at normal swinger parties.  Some people like to watch the first “wave” and let the mood hit them to join in.  But when you come and your sole intention is to treat someone’s sex life like you were at a zoo, you are better off not waisting theirs and your time.

4. You have specific criteria and dimensions for what you are looking for

It’s funny, we wrote these 10 years ago and they still hold true, even more so now that we’ve been able to see so many couples come and go and tell you which ones stay. Those couples looking to make a baby with another couple don’t stay long. Wait, what does that mean.

We don’t mean a literal baby. But couples coming in looking for specific biological features for someone rarely ever understand the nuance of enjoy sex and sexual fantasies in the lifestyle. They are more interested in hitting a notch of the “hot” couple they banged. The sexual exploration and fantasy goes to waste.

Coming to a party or an event with a specific picture in your head will either lead to disappointment.   Every swinger has standards and what they are generally attractive too. Its an insult to assume otherwise. (there’s nothing more insulting than putting in a profile or verbally telling someone that you are picky.. everyone is).   But telling us that you are looking for 5’5, black-asian mix, with a Jada nose will not get you far.  It’s cool to have standards, it is not cool to think you are better than others. We don’t post guest lists for our event as our attempt is to detour from this behavior. Instead, we invite couples who we feel are confident in themselves and their appearance to attract others with similar wants. We will say no to a couple who we don’t show confidence in their own atractive or don’t enjoy their partner.

5. You need to be really good friends to swing

Swinging is a discreet lifestyle.  It’s not socially acceptable to bring in public.  It’s why we do not attend clubs that pass out business cards or have public events.  It is not a lifestyle you can be “talked into” or persuaded too.  Friendships happen all the time in swinging, they happen naturally like normal friendships.  But if being a friend is your criteria for being a swinger, you will meet few people also interested in this.  This is because of the discretion people like having.  Taking what happens in swinger situations into public forums can be deterimental to a person’s job, family and welfare.

We hope we build life long friendships with many swingers. We have friends we’ve known for 20 years. They have been friendships that develop naturally like other friendships, over mutual interests, like swinging. But starting off trying to date a couple is a sure fire way to turn most off.

6. You hope Swinging will save your relationship

Swinging is not going to save your relationship.  If anything it can cause more harm to a dysfunctional relationship. Swinging enhances your relationship, it does not make it.  We know swingers who only play once a year and we know some who play every week, regardless they all have a strong underlying understanding that swinging sex is different from normal sex.  One the reasons we only allow committed couples is because it takes a strong want to see your partner pleased to please others.   Taking one for the team is the worst way to progress through this.

The bottom line of all of these is that if you are looking to have a satisfying, long, and amazing adventure in swinging, you need to talk about what you both want out of it and continue to share your fantasies with one another.  You also have to be willing to, at any point, realize that you may not be at the point to do this and let it remain a fantasy.

7. You are looking for a fuck party and not a swingers party

Most advertised parties (house and hotel) in the Detroit area are Fuck parties, not swinger parties. There are a handful that are, but they are far and inbetween.

A fuck party has no rules, no etiquette. The hosts may not even introduce themselves to you outside a simple hello and where is the donation. A sure fire way to tell is to look at who is there. A traditional swinger party will have 1 single guy per 5 to 8 couples. Does this ratio pan out. If there are more than that make a run for the door cause the party is going to be a waste of your time. What’s going to happen is no ones going to play except the couple or two who are looking to participate in a cuckold/gangbang fantasy. Even if you play with another couple, the single guys , none of which have been talked to or given the rules, will be touching, grabbing and attempting to get in, hoping your guy is too distracted .

Swinging is a tradition with edict, rules and a firm commitment between couples and singles involved. Swingers do not need convincing, to get hammered or be coaxed to play. Consent is always performed. Swinging events usually have a good many couples, a few single females and much fewer guys. Be leery if a host tells you they invited all the guys because they had a lot of single females coming

Any host who has experience in the lifestyle knows that for every 1 guy you invite 1 will show. For every 2 couples you invite 1 will show and for every 5 single females you invite 1 will show. If they aren’t using this math, they are BSing you.

 Swinging is “grown folks” having sex. Fuck parties are derived from drunken frat parties where no one talks about last night.

At swinger parties, safety is always a priority and, unless theres a prior arrangement, swingers always use condoms.  Rules such as no means no, ladies choice and come with the person you came with are standard at swinger parties.  Good swinger parties are almost always drama free. They are freaky, they are raunchy but their is always an aura of honesty, safety and fun.

Fuck parties are a different animal.  Usually something folk experience in their 20s and so on, they are sexual free foralls with absolutely no rules. People usually do not come prepared to have sex. Drugs are as much a highlight as the sex as is excessive drinking.  Condoms may or may not be used and people are a little more shady when they tell you they are using them or not.  What many consider rude is a norm as guys who come and paid the entry fee expect to fuck, and you realized that the hosts are charging you to be a hoe for the evening. If you expect that just because you are at a swingers party people have to fuck you, then swinging is not something you should be pursuing.

Even the singles are different. Single males in the swinger lifestyle are truly hard to find. Don’t be fooled by all the hyenas. The real Lions are always taken or scooped up fast by seasoned hosts. A good single guy is well dressed, smells great, knows how to woo a lady and can fuck. They are not prancing around the party in low hanging jeans too lazy to take their pants and shoes off.

8. You are not interested in pleasing others

Swinging is about mutual pleasure among all parties.  It’s mutural fantasy gratification. If your goals are only to be pleased and not care about the pleasure of others, this is the wrong place.  Swinging is an unselfish hobby.  Everyone does this to fulfill ever evolving fantasies, the last thing someone wants is to play with someone who is only interested in climaxing and quitting.

9. You lack self confidence in yourself

Swinging is a very social activity.  There is a lot of talking,m a lot of communicating and a lot of getting to know people.  Though your average swinger party usually splits the time between socializing and playing.  An average party usually goes socializing for a couple hours, then lots of play, then a little more socializing, then more play and all the way until the last person goes to sleep.  If you lack social skills and charisma, you will have a hard time getting to know people.  You will find people in all shapes, shades and sizes in the lifestyle.  Dwellling on your negatives easily shows.  Sexiness, shows as well. Your average swinger couple is confident in themselves. You don’t need to have the biggest tits, the largest dick or the slimmest waist.  You just need to feel and know you’re sexy and be charismatic and interested in exploring your fantasies.

10. You do not fit the demographic of the party

We’re very honest with our events. We throw events that cater to People of Color in appearance between late 20s and mid 40s. We welcome couples of all races, so long as they are not soley seeking our events for BBC.

One of our biggest gripes about some clubs is that they blatantly lie about the demographics of their party.  Every club has a specific demographic that they attract.  if a club tells you otherwise, they are lying.  We have never been to a club that did not lean to a specific segment of the population. Weather it be income based, race based or age based, there is usually a common denominator about a majority of the folk who attend a swingers party.

Swinging is about honesty, with your spouse, and most importantly with yourself.  If you do not fit the specific demographic of the party you are attending, you will have an awful time.

As an example we will talk about our parties.  We have an urban party, which means we play erotic hip-hop and sexy r&b and a majority of our guests are black or interracial  couples. The demographics of a party usually skew towards the makeup of the hosts.  We are a black couple and single female in our late 30s. 

We have friends who attend our parties in their 50s and 60s but play and look like they are in their 40s.  However, people outside of these demographics usually have a harder time enjoying themselves at a party, simply because they are usually not what the other guests are looking for.