One day, this small guide will be expanded on and made into a book.
For the time being, we’d love to offer a guide to couples looking to throw their first hotel or house party. Even if you’ve thrown a few, we believe these bits of advice will help. This is information we’ve picked up over the 20 years of going to and knowing great party hosts.
1. Who is on the list /Who is Coming?
This is where people can make their first mistake. You can’t invite everyone to your house or hotel parties. When we throw house parties, our biggest time is spent on getting to know invitees and discussing who should come back and who shouldn’t.
The first mistake we see when people attempt to throw a party is inviting people who are not swingers. We have seen hosts invite best friends, sisters, brothers, my boy in college etc. This is a quick way to ruin a party. The lifestyle is a secret fraternity. When people agree to come to a party, they are trusting the host to provide them with a fun time surrounded by real swingers. When they talk to someone at your party, they are spending a precious part of their evening hoping to meet someone that they will want to have sex with later on that night. What they don’t want, is for you to “hoe” them and their partner out to your friends and family. Swinging is not a sex market, it’s an intimate fantasy adventure between consenting adults.
People not affiliated with the lifestyle don’t know the rules of discretion and etiquette. They are only there to “see the show” and this can turn horrible fairly quickly. Naturally, people have defense mechanisms. Things they do when they don’t feel comfortable. For many people, at a swinger party, this usually means doing something that takes their mind off of sex. Commentating, telling jokes, and talking loud are all signs that someone is uncomfortable at a swinger party. As a host, you will be tempted to cater to your non-swingers at the party (read below, a serious no no), which will further ruin the party.
Thus, our best advice, is to make sure that the people you invite have a genuine interest in swinging. No one ever has to play at a party, but they do have to have an interest in exploring the lifestyle. We recommend always verbally talking to every person who comes to your party. When people talk vocally, they build a stronger trust bond than, say, sending a text or an email.
This is important for two reasons. One, it helps guests feel comfortable with the hosts before the party. It’s a lot easier to go to an event and know at least one person there. It also gives the opportunity to ask questions that don’t really come up in texts and emails. Such as what to wear or what happens if I’m uncomfortable
When we talk to people we follow a script. We explain the event and how it will flow. We talk about play areas , consent and sex. We offer them the chance to ask questions. And we make sure that they discuss jealousy, safe words and what to do if someone’s uncomfortable.
Also, keep the guest list convenient for the space. Your average 2 suite hotel will comfortably hold 20 to 25 people. Add another room and you can increase it by 10 to 12. We usually allow 4 people for every 1 playspace we have created. We normally have 6 playspaces at our parties, so the cap is limited to 24.
Of course, just having an interest in swinging is not the only qualification you should establish. There are sometimes where other swingers and even close swinger friends should not receive the invite.
Finally, invite people you feel will be genuinely compatible with one another. In our About Us section, we talk about demographics. We know that an older couple that visibly looks older is not going to have a great time at a party of mostly early 30s guests. It is unfair to both sets of friends to invite them. The more compatible the people at your party, the more likely it is for the party to move fluidly into a night of pleasure. Having even one or two guests that no one wants to play with, makes others hesitant to start playing. But note , this also depends on space.
IF you are having a huge house party with 5 or more rooms, there’s enough space to blend demographics. Clubs do it all the time. But if you’re in a small confined space you have to be more concerned about compatibility.
- What to Buy: Don’t be Cheap if you want people to return
We can not stress enough . DO NOT BE CHEAP. A swinger event should feel like an escape from reality, not walking into someone’s home or house on a Tuesday afternoon. Bathrooms should be clean and feel fresh. Playspaces should be comfortable. Food should help motivate the evening, not cause stomach issues. Here are things we recommend for every party that won’t break the budget.
– Japanese Mattresses $60
Please folk, no more air mattresses. No one likes fucking on them. Instead, you can buy very comfortable floor japanese mattresses for as little at 60 dollars on amazon. These things are amazing, you unroll them where you want and they are padded just right to get the job done. The cool thing about these is that they are multifunctional. You can take them camping or roll it up away in storage for easy space. No mattress deflation all night or rolling around. We also recommend Large Futon Pillows as an alternative.
– Condoms 100 condoms for $30 to $50 .
Please have condoms available for your event. The biggest reason is safety. Single females will bring their own condoms, but many times after that first fuck or two, this gets loss and theres few things that break the moment than the condom search . Condoms are pretty inexpensive. I recommend non latex condoms like skin or going to a store like www.luckybloke.com to buy your condoms in bulk.
– Individual Wrapped Cleaning Wipes ($10 per 48)
Here’s a little tidbit. After you open that large tub of cleaning wipes, they start drying out and losing their ability to clean. They also become a sanitary nightmare as everyone uses the same box all night. Yes they are cheap but they are often unuseable. Individual Wipes by Summers Eve for women, Manscape (for men) , Dude Wipes (Also for men) .
– Drop Cloth for Squirters ($10)
This will protect your bedding and floors. We place these over every play surface under neath the sheet. It’s the best cheap way to deal with squirting.
– Color Light Bulbs ($30)
We talk more about lighting below, but add these to the playroom and really bring up the theme of your cover.
– Media Players ($40)
Old Porn DVDs are showing their age. And popping on pornhub leads to porn that may not be for everyones taste. It’s far easier to buy a USB media player for 40 bucks, put 3 or 4 videos you enjoy and find online on it and play it all night. Even create different videos for different themes.
– Sanitary Soaps ($4)
WE buy primarily Vagisil and Summers Eve Soaps for our events. Regular soap isn’t built for your nether regions.
– Towels ($20)
If you are having a house party, Walmart and amazon have bulk towels where you can buy up to 50 for 20 dollars. Party satisfaction is directly tied to how clean someone can get after they play. If you want a long and fun party, have things that help people watch up before and after.
– Hotel Rooms
Sidenote – DO not go cheap on your hotel room. Try to have at least one bathroom. THis is so if one bathroom becomes uncomfortable you have another until it is dealt with. You also get parties started and going faster and longer as there’s no long unsexy , mood shattering lines to deal with.
- Settle on the type of swinger party you want
A swinger party will either be fullswap or softswap. It can not be both. Yes , you can have a fullswap party where people play softswap (or don’t play at all) but when the party is announced, it’s important to announce the type of play that most people there are comfortable with. Do not discourage people who want other play, but do be intentional.
We recommend using a color system or wristband system that announces what type of play people want. When the type of play is not discussed it can be awkward.
They are two completely different types of swinging, and inviting a mix of the two creates more confusion than it will play. A lot of people attempt to invite both types, and find out that it is like mixing water and oil. Soft swinging parties move at a slower pace, and usually include activities that are not “sexual” or swinging related. Fullswap parties are more direct and encompass a sexual theme. When the two types of swingers coincide, your party moves at a slower pace, as now, your guests have to not just worry about building a connection, but asking the awkward question of, what type of swinger are you. Then have to deal with the even more awkward situation of hanging around a party with people they have had to turn down. It is a far easier time to gear your party for fullswap, and insure that everyone understands beforehand, that the party is made up of fullswappers or people interested in fullswapping.
You also have to protect the integrity of your party. This means making sure not to invite anyone you think will bring drama. A lot of times, this means not inviting close friends who have problems in their relationship.
- Create a sexy setting
Certainly one of the biggest turnoffs for any couple is walking into a party that does not feel “sexy”. Swinging is not turning over on Saturday morning, realizing the kids are gone and having sex. It’s a night built around sex. Again, people are trusting you to help them explore their fantasies. This means making it as romantic, comfortable and sensual as possible. We’ve been to some amazing swinger clubs in our lifetime. People should feel like they are in a different kind of world when they step into your party. Colored lights, incense, candles, and sensual scents are a great start. Whether it’s when they come in or midway through the night, the host should be the first to slip into lingerie.
-Lighting can be key. Bright lights kill the sensual mood that can be created with shadows.
-Music should be to the liking of the host, but should always be at a low volume. Part of a sexy setting is creating an atmosphere for communication and pillow talk. Swinging is 90% communication and 10% sex. There’s nothing worse than walking into a house and hearing loud, thumping base and spending the night yelling over it to try to get to know a couple. Remember, you are throwing a swinger party, not a dance party. And no one can swing if they can not talk to potential playmates for the evening. When choosing the music, no matter what genre you choose, make sure its sexual. We have attended swinger parties where gospel music was playing, gangsta rap, and christian rock. If you don’t know what music you can’t go wrong with jazz or R&B.
-Most importantly hosts are apart of the setting and should host. We recommend hosts always wear something sexy, even before people change. This puts everyone in the mood. And this goes for all hosts. There’s few things less sexy than a guy in a t-shirt walking around a party while his wife is dressed in the sexiest lingerie.
-When making a sexy atmosphere, you should make sure that all distractions are eliminated. Unless you’re showing porn, the television should never come on at a party. It is a quick way to kill or prevent the escalation of the mood. The worst parties we have attended have been those where the TV comes on. People who are attending their first party are nervous to begin with. Getting in the mood can take a while. If you have distractions at your party, it gives them a place to go to avoid the actual swinging. What we like to do is keep the porn on until 11pm. Then you have to cut off the tv to get the party going. If people are not playing or at least preparing to play at your party within 4 hours of the party starting, you have failed at setting a sensual mood.
– Beds should be setup for play and look sexy. Put sex toys and furniture in the play rooms.
– Theme Theme Theme. Buy some cheap decorations that go with the theme. Have party favors that go with the theme. Dress for the theme. It doesn’t matter if you’re the only person dressed it puts everyone in the mood and lets them realize this isn’t a normal party or going outside. This is an experience.
- Adequate playspace
Where are people going to fuck? That is what you need to ask yourself as you set up your atmosphere. The more play space the better. Hotel or House party, moving furniture should be a part of your preparation. You want to open up areas as much as possible. Where there are no beds, throw down blankets and pillows, especially if you are going to have a nice size crowd.
When we ran a club, we discovered a huge section of the building that was just not being used when play started. We turned it into the pyramid, a combination of mattresses and pillows that became an amazingly popular orgy area. If you can, its also great to create a “non” play space. An area where people can always go to rest, chill out and prep back up.
Make sure that every play space has at least 20 condoms nearby. We recommend at least 2 separate playspaces. This allows two areas to play in. If a couple is trying to avoid someone (and it happens) they have a whole other room to be in.
We also highly recommend a “chill” area far away from the playspaces. Try to always keep at least one of these chill spaces as chill for the night. At events, people need to decompress. This means having a place that is a place to talk, chill and not have sex around you.
Not having a chill area directly leaves to people leaving early over the course of the night. As they have no where to go or nothing to do when they finish their first round.
Make sure play spaces are clearly pointed out. When sex begins at a swinger party, it can be contagious. Don’t hamper it by not letting couples know up front where they can play. Also, make sure that the places are setup before the party starts. Part of atmosphere is giving people the impression off the bat that this IS a swinger party. Also, make sure lube is nearby. The play spaces should feel naughty and sexy. So adding some sex toys, even if they aren’t being used, adds to the mystic. The goal is to make the place feel like its somewhere else, its an island where they can let their inner fantasies loose.
Have a couple sets of clean sheets for each play area. At hotel parties it is essential that when you check in call the front desk and get extra sets and towels and sheets. We do this several times a day before the party.
- Cleansing items
One of the biggest secrets to keeping a party going all night has nothing to do with the above and everything to do with the little things. If you have a place for people to wash themselves after play, they will stay around longer and play again. We have a set list at drugstore.com. In addition to condoms, we recommend buying Summer’s Eve feminine wash for all bathrooms and individually wrapped personal cleaning cloths (we use Playtex Petals). Please, under no circumstance do you buy the tub of cleansing pads. They are not large enough and will dry out well before play even starts. It also is unsanitary as people touch other pads to get to the one they want. Also, make sure you have plenty of towels. If you are at a hotel, call and order lots of towels throughout the day. If a house party, go to a dollar store and stock up.
It is also imperative, that you have at least 2 bathrooms at a lifestyle event. An old friend once told me, you need two things for any swinger party. Light finger food and bathrooms. So women can feel full and sexy throughout the night. One bathroom creates one place for every woman to refresh and will quickly become overused if not maintained. Two or three bathrooms gives a lot of leeway to keep the rest rooms clean, and fresh throughout the night.
- Orchestrate the Evening
Hosts got to host. Your party leads by your energy. If you aren’t emitting sexiness, people will not play. If you aren’t leading the charge or have charge leaders as hosts, play won’t happen. We used to call these kinds of hosts party starters. You need party starters, at an event.
It is up to the hosts to move the party along. Do so without being pushy. Parties should be pressure free, yet still designed around an evening of intimate adventure. What works for us is to have some type of communication contest going on throughout the evening. For instance, ladies receive X at the door, Guys have to ask for X. Whoever collects the most wins. We know another party in Columbus that uses ID cards with little stickers on it that indicate preferences. They then play a game every hour based on the stickers. This too is another great conversation starter. As the party moves on, its up to the hosts to figure out how exactly to ratchet up the sexual tension of the room. Usually about midnight or slightly before, we play a light sex game with willing guests. Once this gets going, like we said earlier, sex is contagious. If you’ve created a sexually charged atmosphere, everyone will get drawn in on the act.
It’s important to have a time in mind of when you expect play to start and move towards that time as nonpushy as you can be. At that time for us, we start cutting off the porn and lowering the lights. We change the music to something sexier. We don’t announce its time to have sex. Instead we begin ramping up our own sexual energy. Eventually people will feel the hosts energy and realize what time it is. If you start hoping for this to happen organically without party starters at your party you will be waiting awhile and lose some of the early bird guests.
- Mind the Menu
Another little tidbit is the food you have. Too often, people have no idea what to serve at a swinger party. This is so important. People use a lot of energy over a party. Being able to replinish is so important if you want long sustained play parties.
If there’s one must on this list its water. Buy 2 cases for 8 bucks. If you really want to be a winner get powerades and gatorades for your guests.
-No milk-based products, cakes with a lot of flour and pies , thanksgiving meals
Light cheeses are fine as snacks, but milk stuff in general doesn’t well on the stomach when preparing for strenuous activity. Try to get foods high in protein and light, to help replenish people’s energies. Heavy starches and sugars will cause a quick end to your night of debauchery.
I know you may be a great chef, but now is not the time to whip out your cullinary skills if you want the bathrooms to stay sexy and people to have long play sessions.
Fresh cold cuts and light cheeses are great for finger snacking
– Baked and Fried Chicken
Though fried foods can be draining, they are alcohol soaking and work well at a swinger party. We try to have a mixture of both. Sushi can be a fun way to class up the place so long as it’s cooked and in limited supply. Cooked Beef and Pork are awful choices as they are heavy and can lead to stomach issues for many.
– Fruits and Vegetables
Make sure the fruit tray at least has pineapples, grapes, watermelon or kiwi , all are aphrodisiacs’.
- Ice Breakers
Ice Breakers are the gateway to helping any couple transition from regular life to swinger party. Too many people buy or use “couple games” and try to play this at a swinger party. This is awful. THis usually means ice breakers that last 45 minutes to an hour as people take turns. This ruins the point of the ice breaker which is to get people steaming hot and ready to take off clothes .
The point of an ice breaker at a swinger party is not for anyone to win
There are two types of ice breakers and we recommend both at a party.
Ice breaker ONE is the early night ice breaker. This is the game everyone should be explained when they walk through the door. It’s always a get to know you game. And they all have the same formula.
You have to learn (Insert something fun and sexual but not overt such as another players favorite place to have sex or thier favorite position).
If the player learns the fact, they receive something from the other player. The more of this something at the end of the night, they win. If you want to offer a prize, you can but a lot of time winning is the battle.
We usually seperate this ice breaker into men and women with the men pursing the items and chasing the items.
The second ice breaker is the party starter ice breaker. Not the party slow down ice breaker. This ice breaker should be 30 minutes at most and involve group interaction. We like to stop the party at this point, go over the rules again, give people a chance to change into their outfits. This ice breaker is the subtle way to announce play may happen .
This second ice breaker needs to be able to have as many people participate as possible.
- What to do about Alcohol
Watch your guests alcohol intake and NEVER provide alcohol directly. This can get you in trouble if something happens to a guest . What we do is point to where the mixers are and tell people that people leave their alcohol there to share but it is not ours.
Over the course of the night watch out for inebriated people and people who can not make decisions. Have no issues with asking these people to leave. Also try to keep the play rooms smoke and alochol free. This helps cleanup and helps everyone feel comfortable in a play area.
- .Keep it Legal
We always recommend for people to keep their party legal. No drugs, no underaged drinking (we never even invite people under the age of 21). When you’re talking about a night of mind blowing sex, why bring things that can ruin the party. As a host, your goal should be to keep your party attendees safe in and after the party. If you provide alcohol at your party, and that person gets into an accident because they are too drunk, you are partially, and potentially legally, responsible. If someone in the hallway of your hotel smells weed, you are the one losing your money and getting kicked out.
- Keeping it Cleanup
Have someone assigned to cleaning up as the party goes so that kitchens ar tidies and bathrooms are safe.
Light candles and incense before and throughout the night. Scent is a big turnon for many, and as sex happens it can really lower the scent appeal of a location. Every few hours one of us walks through with incense to resexy back up an area.
- Understand the flow of a party
We rank the success of a party by how many waves of sex happened. At a party, play happens in waves. There’s an initial first wave where a lot of people will play. Many of these will leave. If you have all the things above you will have a second wave of play and more if things keep going.
A party that waves until 6am is a masterpiece. Don’t be discouraged if your first wave of your first party doesnt start off right away. It just means you need to tighten up your timing.
We use this baramoter not for ourselves, but becausae we want to make sure we throw a party that people want to do the thing they came for. Sure, people are happy just getting out and talking to anyone, but no one spends the time it takes to get ready for a swinger party to not at least move closer to enjoying swinging.
Get Feedback a few days after the party from people you trust. We have been to some of the worst parties, and have heard people who adamantly told us how bad a time they were having there, tell the hosts the opposite.
THis is human behavior. We are group creatures that will usually want to encourage others. The real feedback won’t come for a few days and we recommend seeking it out. This is theo nly way to improve your party.
Also, observe yourself. IF people aren’t playing ask yourself why. If the food isn’t going, ask yourself why. If the bathroom is occupied all night ask yourself why.